chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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