I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think I just sharted jello shots
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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