Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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