I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize