they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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