Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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