You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
