I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
