Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
