lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
