Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
