And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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