Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
