Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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