does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
