I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
