My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
