Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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