the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
