Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
3 2 1 whiskey
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
