Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
