ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
