Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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