life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
