Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
