Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
