Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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