You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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