I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
