I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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