I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
