Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
