dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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