Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
