im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
