I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Randomize
