She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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