mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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