The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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