does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Your cock deserves a montage
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
