apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
