I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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