I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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