i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
love makes seman taste better
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
