I accidentally had phone sex last night
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why are your pants in the freezer?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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