you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize