well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
