I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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