He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
