I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
