Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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