Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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