Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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