grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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