I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
