I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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