a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
