wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
