She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
