At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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