There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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