I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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