I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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