everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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