Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
