My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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