marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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